


I will wait

by kopperblaze



Category: The Hobbit
Genre: Gen, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 18:08:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kopperblaze/pseuds/kopperblaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“He’ll come home to us. They all will.” The darkness swallows up her words. Dis is so tired of waiting.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Just a little ficlet I wrote about Dis, inspired by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D15FqakfHPY">this</a> beautiful song. Listen to it while reading :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will wait

_The clouds are getting to my house  
the rain is tapping on the window_

The rumbling of thunder in the distance has Dis looking up from preparing dinner. Dark clouds are hanging in the sky, foreboding and looking ready to burst. A few seconds later raindrops start hitting the window hard and fast.

“Fili, why don’t you go sit by the fire? It’ll be warmer.”

Her little dwarfling shakes his head and stays where he is, arms crossed on the windowsill and head resting on them, looking out into the grey world. Dis makes sure that Kili is still asleep in his basket in front of the fire before she walks over and sits down next to Fili on the bench by the window.

“Anything interesting out there?” She runs a hand through his hair, so much like his father’s in shade and texture.

“No,” Fili whispers and leans into her touch. They’re quiet after that, both looking out into the rain.

_The end of the day is coming_  
 _I’ll be unsure without you in my arms_  
 _The end is here and I know_  
 _I can’t be without you my love_

It’s difficult, taking care of a dwarfling and a baby all by herself. She makes a little money washing and mending clothes for better off families in the village, but there’s still never enough. Fili is quiet and withdrawn and Kili is always crying. She keeps her composure because she may be a princess in tatters, but she’s a princess nonetheless. She won’t bring shame to the line of Durin.

But sometimes at night, when she’s finally managed to put her dwarflings to bed and the house is quiet, Dis sits in front of the hearth and let’s the tears fall. She’s young and she’s scared. Her family is off to war and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever see them again; doesn’t know if her little boys will ever know their father and grandfather and uncles.

The mere thought of never feeling their warm embrace, hearing their loud laughter again, shatters her into a million pieces. She can’t be without them.

_I will wait, I will wait for you baby_  
 _I will wait ‘till your lips come to wake me_  
 _I will wait but I’m older and older each day_  
 _So come home, come home my love_

Dis stretches and sighs, a smile playing around her lips. She reaches out to the other side of the bed, but her hand touches empty air. When she opens her eyes she realises it was all a dream. The familiar mix of anxiety and loneliness returns to her gut, making her jittery. If Vili was here he’d hold her, kiss her brow, and tell her she’s too much of a worrywart. But he’s still gone and she’s still alone.

“Amad.” Fili burrows closer to her and Dis becomes aware of what woke her in the first place.

“What is it, sweetling?” She whispers, pulling Fili into her embrace. He pushes his head into her neck but remains quiet. She can feel the wetness on his cheeks. He used to be the sweetest child, happy and carefree and smiling. Lately he’s prone to tantrums she’s not sure how to deal with.

He sniffles and Dis rubs his back, humming a tune from her own childhood. Eventually he falls asleep.

“He’ll come home to us. They all will.” The darkness swallows up her words. Dis is so tired of waiting.

_Seasons change but you’re not here_  
 _I hope you just could be here_  
 _to touch me, to love me tonight_

Autumn turns into winter turns into spring turns into summer turns into autumn. It gets easier, but the pain never goes away. Every morning when she wakes alone it’s there, like a wound in her heart that won’t heal.

At least with Thorin back there is a second source of income, once he stops sleeping all day and staring vacantly into the air when he’s awake.

The boys adore him and try to imitate everything he does. When Kili calls him ‘Adad’ Dis has to leave the room and throw up behind the house.

It’s not right. It’s not right that Vili doesn’t get to see them grow up. It’s not right that he won’t be the one showing them how to hold an axe and how to fish. It’s not right that he’s not the one they follow with blind adoration. It’s not right that she’s dreaming about him less and less.

None of it is right.

_And the end of the world arrives_  
 _I can see the violet sky_  
 _The of the war is near_  
 _but I’m here without you to hide_

Fili grows up to look like him, but it’s Kili who has his smile. Her boys are the only pieces of Vili that are left to her. And while she sees it clearly, it saddens her to know that they’ll never understand how much like their father they are, no matter how hard they try to be like Thorin. Vili is there in the way Kili shovels food into his mouth with gusto and in the way Fili likes to doze in the sun. Fili’s as incapable of braiding his own hair as his father was, needing Dis’ or Kili’s help even as he reaches adulthood. Kili laughs loud and without care and sometimes Dis flinches at the sound when she’s in another room, thinking it’s Vili’s laughter she hears.

They’re all she has left and then Thorin takes them away. They follow him blindly, of course they do, admiration making them oblivious to Thorin’s faults. They leave and once again Dis is left waiting. Sometimes it feels like she was born to wait.

_Though I know you can’t come to me, baby_  
 _I will wait for you till you’re home_  
 _Cause I will die if I see you’ve forgotten_  
 _The promise you made that night_

They’ve made her promises, all of them. Vili, Frerin, Thorin, Fili, Kili. All of them promised, swore oaths. And they all, without fail, broke them, none returning to her.

She stares at Fili’s and Kili’s belongings on the table, personal things Dwalin and Balin handed to her without meeting her eyes. She doesn’t know if she hates them or is grateful that they brought back what remains of her boys. Part of her wants to burn everything. Burn it like her home burnt. She wants to set the world on fire and see the flames lick it clean of grief.

But the rational part of her knows better. She’ll be glad to have those things in days to come, reminders that once upon a time her boys were real.

Her hands hover, fingertips gently touching the beads she made for Fili when his beard began to grow in; the clasps Vili made when Kili was born; the dagger she gifted Fili with when he came of age. Things made with love, now returned to her useless and cold.

The necklace Fili made for Kili when they were boys, a simple disc of copper with clumsy runs of protection etched into it on a leather string. Kili had loved it, never taking it off despite an embarrassed Fili offering to make him a new one years later.

Fili’s ring, a heirloom of the family given to him by Thorin before the quest. For now he was truly going to be a prince of Erebor, her foolish brother had said.

The runestones she gave them both, intended to bring good luck and protection.

Useless, all of it.

Dis gets up and it feels like the weight of the world is dragging her down. She carefully picks up her boys’ things and Thorin’s ring, intending to put them in the box she keeps in her bedroom. It already holds trinkets of Frerin and Vili. A mirthless laugh bubbles over her lips. All that she’s got left after a lifetime of waiting is a box full of ghosts.

On the way to the bedroom she throws the runestones into the fire. She doesn’t believe in promises anymore.

 


End file.
